Girl Detective

My anxiety tendencies are directly proportional to my caffeine intake. I love coffee, but I limit myself to the two cappuccinos my kind husband makes for me every morning. Last week, though, I had friends coming over for a playdate. I made a pot of coffee. I had one cup beyond my usual. I told myself that was it. But when they left, I found 12 ounces left of coffee. And because nothing succeeds like excess, I heated it up, added a tablespoon and a half of the fancy French cocoa mix a friend gave me, and I enjoyed every drop.

I also enjoyed how energized I was that afternoon. I wrote entries for this weblog. I read all my feeds. I did the dishes.

And then I crashed, just as 22mo Guppy woke from his nap, and 4yo Drake finished preschool. I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening in a post-sugarbomb fugue. I was so fatigued I felt ill. So I’m back to two capps a day. I’ve learned my lesson. But I can’t promise how long I’ll remember it.

For 2008, I will simply be chronicling the books, not counting them here. M, the author at Mental Multivitamin, kindly christened me a chronicler, as well as several other authors of site I admire. Check them all out.

The first book I finished in the new year was Epileptic by David B., a graphic memoir of a boy’s experience with his brother’s epilepsy. This sat on the shelf for over a year. Midway through, I would have said it was a masterwork, and one of the best graphic narratives I’d read. By the end, though, my opinion was less enthusiastic. This a stunningly illustrated personal story, rich with emotional insight and pictorial allusion. It falls prey, though, to the limits of personal narrative; it does not end so much as it fades and fizzles into several transcriptions of the author’s dreams. The book would have been better served had the author ended it at a point in the past. His insight on the past was strong and clear. While real lives have no clear ending, stories about them can, especially if told with the distance and insight of some years. I am in the minority opinion of this book; most have hailed it as a masterpiece.

This year’s and last year’s books are cataloged in my library at Gurulib.com

Holy Moly, I watched 81 movies last year! That’s a lot, no? My behavior (making an effort to see movies) matches my priorities (love of movies; desire to learn more about film)–I started the annual challenge after I had my son Drake, and I hardly ever went out to the theater. I feel some lurking guilt that I could have devoted more time to reading, but that’s just because I’m prone to endless second guessing and self recrimination.

I’m not going to list them all. They’re linked to in movies to the right. But I saw about a quarter in the theater, watched a quarter from the home shelves, borrowed 34 from the library, and only watched 7 new purchases. (I’m not sure how many more I purchased and DIDN’T watch, which is one thing I’m trying to cut down on.) But the fact that both theater and shelf sitters got about three times as much attention as new purchases makes me feel again that my priorities are in the right place. So, onto the movies:

Favorite films: Lives of Others, Michael Clayton, Juno

Favorite series: Jason Bourne movies

Favorite dvds: Infernal Affairs, Volver, House of Games

Underrated films: Children of Men, Stranger Than Fiction

Illusionist vs. Prestige: Prestige, definitely

Movie I liked even though it wasn’t that good: Hairspray

Best new-to-me classic: La Regle du Jeu

Critical darlings that I just don’t like: Jonny To’s Triad Election, Billy Wilder’s Ace in the Hole, and all three by Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

For 2008, I think I’d like to cut back on the library dvds. Oops, I said that last year. But seriously, they’re so easy to reserve that I’m much less discriminating then I am in choosing DVDs to purchase or films see in theater.

SPOILERS AHEAD!

I loved this week’s challenge–to work with a high-school girl and design her prom dress. Christian’s snippy comment that prom was awful and tacky and horrible made me laugh out loud. It’s both true, and yet so snobby of him. Then to see him and many of the others in their prom photos? Priceless.

Christian also nailed it when he said that it was a ridiculously hard challenge–make a dress, please the client, make it representative of him as a designer, plus make it age and event appropriate. Seeing him struggle, both with his demanding client and with the dress itself, endeared him to me, finally, as did his many attempts to hold back tears. His youthful bravado took a big hit this week.

I suspected Ricky would be the one to go when they did the bit with him on the phone to his mother, and how poor they were when he was growing up. He was delightfully self-deprecating when he noted that he’d made his date’s prom dress in high school. Chris played it safe, I thought. Rami may be a one-trick draping pony. Jillian’s effort was surprisingly uninspired, given her general excellence at girly designs. Sweet P’s was great; I wanted her to win simply because she’d so much more likeable then the weirdly animatronic Victorya. Victorya was vindicated from finding out she was the last one chosen with her deserved win. It was a good dress, in a striking color with good detail.

Ricky got off easy, and Christian had to sweat, but it was Kevin who went home, and deservedly so. Ugly color, ugly dress, sloppy execution. So no more of him protesting too much his straightness. I’m glad Christian is in, and hope he learns some humility along the way.

They guys at Project Rungay disagree with me; they think Kevin was unfairly auf’d and that Victorya unfairly won. And I can see their points–Kit’s awesome dress never even got mentioned, and Ricky’s was worse than Kevin’s, and Ricky’s been doing consistently low level stuff. But there it is. Life’s not fair, certainly in fashion.

I can’t even recall the specific incident that started it; they happen so often. 22mo Guppy did something that 4yo Drake didn’t like. Drake hit Guppy, who started to wail. I dragged Drake away from Guppy, and Drake began to wail.

Me: Drake, hands are not for hitting. Hitting hurts. When Guppy makes you angry, take a deep breath and use your words.

Drake: I CAN’T DO THAT! (imagine a crescendo from ff to fff from beginning to end of that statement.)

Me: Sigh. Yeah, buddy. I know. It’s hard. I feel like hitting too.

Poor Drake. He gets so angry so quickly, and of course his 4yo self can hardly process it. My nearly 40yo self often can’t. At my psychiatric checks, my doctor asks if I ever think about harming myself or others, and I feel like asking, “Is that a rhetorical question?” Are there parents out there who NEVER feel like banging their heads against the wall, who are NEVER tempted to give their kid a spanking?

As I was trying to shove a wiggling 22mo Guppy into footie pajamas, 4yo Drake jumped on the bed in the room, then climbed onto the adjacent bookcase.

Me: Grr! Argh! Drake, you are a…

Drake: Joy and a wonder! (what I often say to him when I’m in a better mood)

Drake then jumps into, and out of Guppy’s crib and back to the top of the bookcase.

Me: Um, no, I was thinking more, “piece of work.”

Drake: Nope. Joy and a wonder. (Jumps down from bookcase to floor)

From my struggles with post-partum depression and anxiety, I learned I’m not well suited to caring for small children all day, every day. I’d probably not even be much suited to it as an 8-hour-a-day job with regular breaks. I dislike noise, mess, and chaos. I like to focus on one thing at a time; I don’t pretend to like or practice multi-tasking. I prefer reading and writing to playing. And, let’s face it, no one likes crying, diapers, or snot.

Several thing I read at the end of last year reinforced my growing desire for professional work instead of childcaring.

Kyra Sedgwick, quoted in a feature in Newsweek 10/15/07 on Women and Power:

I had this dream that when I had my children I was just going to want to be with them, and I wouldn’t want to work. And that was sort of this ideal, in a way, based on nothing, because my mother always worked.

I had this dream that somehow I’d be so fulfilled, and I wouldn’t need to work. I bought into this ideal that one should just stay home and be with one’s children, that that should be enough. It’s taken me a really long time to embrace my ambition and to embrace my need to express myself and to accept it in a loving way as part of who I am, instead of putting myself down for it.

From “The Whole ‘Working Mother’ Thing Actually Works,” by Carol Lloyd at Salon:

Based on surveys of 10,000 individuals, the British study found that mothers with jobs are significantly happier than their nonworking counterparts….The evidence paints a bleak picture of the toll that a stay-at-home life can takes on a woman’s satisfaction….working outside the home seems to improve the level of satisfaction among women with children. Moreover, it seems that women experience improved satisfaction associated with having children only when the kids go off to school (i.e., when their mothering job becomes a little more part time).

And a slightly different view, from a post at Mental Multivitamin:

I’ve learned that many women, homeschooling and not, feel all but enslaved to their homes and their families — even women who are also working traditional jobs!

Simply put, even as they acknowledge that they have good husbands, nice homes, and decent kids, they also admit that they feel like it all falls to them to keep it going. This, I think, is one of those gender-specific issues. I have never met a man, for example, who frets, “How will I get all of the laundry done!?”….I don’t know how other women escape the malaise that can suck the color from their lives, but I have always clung to the conviction that while I am a wife and a mother, I am also me first.

I wonder at the serendipitous synchronicity that brought all three of these pieces to my attention within a short time. They affirm my experience that motherhood is not fluffy bunnies and sunshine, and go a long way to breaking down that romantic stereotype and re-humanizing mothers, much as Marrit Ingman did in her funny, brutal memoir Inconsolable, which I read last year.

And from the same post at Mental Multivitamin, some practical advice for emerging from the day-to-day grind, and to reclaiming work and joy for oneself:

I have always made time to pursue those things which contribute to my self-definition, including work, yes, but also things like music lessons, reading (and I don’t mean books for the kids), ornithology, and more.

Finally, is it ironic, or merely interesting, that it has taken me weeks to write this post, since I have been so consumed with childcare and my Christmas cold since Thanksgiving?

I started annual book challenges after I had my first child. My time was no longer my own, and I wanted to retain reading as a priority. I also wanted to know more about what I read, since my memory took a hit it’s never quite recovered from. I wasn’t re-reading a lot of books, and I kept buying books even thought my to-be-read (TBR) pile was already precarious.

Tracking the books I read has helped me become a more conscious, and therefore better, reader. Giving brief reviews hones my writing and editing skills, plus allows me to share what I’ve read. This has resulted in many enjoyable virtual conversations about books. Reading in a vacuum is no fun, and my book group only meets every six weeks. I have re-read many of my books, allowing me a deeper understanding and appreciation of them. Further, I’ve stopped buying as many books, and have finally made inroads, however shallow, into my unread books. I’m also reading more nonfiction, and more challenging fiction, then I have in the past.

Last year I read 62 different books, one of them twice. My goal was fifty; a book a week makes my identity as a reader more real to me, though the number is arbitrary. 14 were from the shelf, 17 were borrowed or gifted, 21 were new purchases, and 11 were re-reads. This felt like a good balance, though next year I hope to read more from the shelf and purchase fewer books. 31 of these were fiction; 20 were graphic novels; 12 were nonfiction. I don’t enjoy nonfiction as much as fiction, so this accurately reflects my interests; I’m a novel gal.

I’ve begun to catalog my books at Gurulib. I chose this site because it is free and there is no limit, plus it allows for categorizing movies, another of my hobbies/passions. You can see last year’s books on my Gurulib shelf. I also have shelves for this year, and a tentative TBR pile. I know and admire many readers who take on many challenges and make comprehensive lists. I did that last summer, and I didn’t care for it. Reading is a conversation, to me. It doesn’t follow a set path. It forks, diverges, and doubles back on itself, and I like to leave myself the freedom to read whatever I like next. I’ve found that I can rarely even follow through on what I think are my next three books.

Back to 2007’s books, though, for the ones that stood out.

Favorite new-to-me classic: Hemingway’s A Moveable Feast

Favorite re-read that brought so much more of the book to me: Kate Atkinson’s Behind the Scenes at the Museum

Favorite non-fiction book: Eat, Pray, Love. I read it twice.

Books I learned from: Kris Holloway’s Monique and the Mango Rains; Greg Mortenson’s Three Cups of Tea; Michael Pollan’s Omnivore’s Dilemma.

Longest book: A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth. A favorite of a dear friend, I’d avoided it because of its length. I loved it.

Proudest reading accomplishment: finishing the six major Jane Austen novels. Still my favorite: Pride and Prejudice. But I loved researching and discussing Mansfield Park.

Favorite novel: The Post-Birthday World by Lionel Shriver. This got some mixed reviews, but I loved the idea of diverging fates, and Shriver’s execution of it in story and character.

Biggest disappointment: The Minx line of graphic novels from DC comics.

Favorite graphic book: Fun Home by Alison Bechdel.

This is the kind of thing that they don’t include in most baby books, but I remember clearly with both boys. Drake had been talking, with words and short sentences for a while. A friend of his grabbed the toy he was playing with and ran off. He turned after her and shouted, “M! I was HAVING that car!”

I was reminded of this recently as my husband, G. Grod, urged 22 mo Guppy to eat more of his apples (and cabbage). Guppy wasn’t fooled. “I don’t WANT apple, Daddy!”

Both boys’ responses were loud, clear, and full of passion. I can’t be sure what their “real” first sentences were, but the first angry ones were quite something to witness.

I’m beginning to suspect that Project Runway has indeed jumped the shark. I’ve recently watched Season 1 and most of Season 2. They feel so much more compelling than the season 4 group. Perhaps there are still so many designers that it’s hard to separate any from the pack. The Eye Candy challenge seemed fun, though contrived. More contrived than season 2’s plants and season 3’s recycling? Probably not. Elisa and Sweet P both deserved the boot. It had to be Elisa, though, because as soon as someone makes a statement like, “I wanted to be here so I could prove myself after that horrible car accident that cracked my head wide open,” well, that’s tempting fate. Christian’s arrogance and haircut are both ridiculous. Perhaps he’ll end up as the deluded crazy of the season. Is it just me, or do best buds Rami and Jillian seem far too talented and reasonable to be much fun? I did think Jillian deserved the win for doing something more difficult and using the Twizzlers. Oh, and I loved her comment that her model smelled good, too.

Tim Gunn’s blog entry about the ep is good, and check out Project Rungay, where they have fewer nice things to say about Jillian’s Twizzler dress.

#81 in my 2007 movie challenge was Roman Holiday, my last movie watched of the year. It was part of the Audrey Hepburn collection that my thoughtful husband G. Grod got me last year. It’s easy to see how Hepburn became a star after her first major role. She’s perfect as Princess Ann, who plays hooky from royal duties while in Rome. Gregory Peck is the opportunistic reporter who pretends to be her friend in order to nab the story. The adventures, and Peck’s change of heart, are entertaining, if a bit slow. Peck’s not quite believable as an unscrupulous reporter. Holden might have been better. Eddie Albert, though, is hilarious as Peck’s photographer friend. The ending, with Ann’s return to royal duty, seemed much more in keeping with the films during and just after the war. Nonetheless, this was a sweet and funny film with which to end the year.

I’m often asked why I’ve relocated, and STAYED, in Minneapolis.

It’s a reader’s city. And so is neighbor, St. Paul. (Link from Galley Cat)

This Scientific American article (link from the Freakonomics blog) shows me, yet again, an instance of parenting that makes sense when it’s explained, but isn’t necessarily intuitive.

Praising children’s innate abilities….reinforces this mind-set, which can also prevent young athletes or people in the workforce and even marriages from living up to their potential. On the other hand, our studies show that teaching people to have a “growth mind-set,” which encourages a focus on effort rather than on intelligence or talent, helps make them into high achievers in school and in life.

Left to my own devices, I’d praise my kids as clever, not praise them for their hard work.

Some days I believe that if I were to truly trust my instincts, all I’d be doing all day would be saying “Shh!”, “Stop that!” and “Argh!”

#63 in my 2007 book challenge was a re-read of Dickens’s classic Christmas Carol. The story is so well known, but lines such as this were what impressed me:

[it] had a dismal light about it, like a bad lobster in a dark cellar.

My favorite scene is one that’s often left out of adaptations. It’s with the ghost of Christmas Future, and has people haggling over a dead man’s belongings. It’s dark, and reminded me more than a little of characters of Shakespeare. If you think you know the story but haven’t read it, seek it out. I also recommend an edition with art by your favorite illustrator. Mine is the late Trina Schart Hyman. Her edition of Dylan Thomas’s A Child’s Christmas in Wales is another good seasonal selection.

#s 61 and 62 in my 2007 book challenge were the graphic novel collections of Bryan K. Vaughan’s Runaways, volumes 2 and 3. I liked volume 1, but volumes 2 and 3 go on to better things, and cement this series as a solidly entertaining young-adult comic with engaging characters. The kids of the title found out in volume 1 that their parents were supervillains, and that they were being betrayed by one of their own. In volumes 2 and 3, the teens go on to forge their own identities, both as individuals and as a group. Runaways is funny, well written, but best of all it’s consistently surprising. There is lots going on, but narrative balls never get dropped. If you know a teen looking for something good to read, I highly recommend this series.

#60 in my 2007 book challenge was Curses, a graphic novel by Keven Huizenga. This is smart storytelling. Huizenga’s style is deceptively simplistic, more reminiscent of newspaper comics than literary comics like Maus and Persepolis. Yet its in these ranks it belongs, I feel. Mixing mythology, history, religion and the quotidian with a well done and accessible art style, Curses is not easily categorized, and certainly not easily forgotten. Not light reading, but worth the time and effort.

#80 in my 2007 movie challenge was Juno, the indie darling written by former Minnesota stripper and City Pages writer Diablo Cody. At first, critics gushed, then backlash ensued. Naysayers claim the dialogue is precocious, unreal, and that the ending is saccharine. To them, I say “silencio”. Yes, this is not a perfect movie. But it’s a movie I loved. I loved the main character, and her almost unshakable sense of self. I loved Michael Cera as the geeky boy, and love that he’s in a movie that well addresses the female point of view so lacking in Superbad earlier this year. I loved J.K. Simmons as her dad and Alison Janney as her mom. I was impressed by both Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner as the potential adoptive parents. The soundtrack by Kimya Dawson was great, and reminiscent of the dreamy interweaving from a Wes Anderson film. This was at times sad, funny, creepy, weird and sweet. Don’t listen to the grinches. Go see it.

#59 in my 2007 book challenge was Sara Varon’s graphic novel Robot Dreams. It’s another lovely edition from First Second books, and it’s beautiful both in story and art, as well. Without words, Varon tells the story of a dog who builds a robot friend, only to lose him to unfortunate circumstance. The real versus the dream segments are well contrasted, and the story is sometimes sad but ultimately redemptive and very sweet. I loved it, and so does my 4yo son Drake; it’s a wonderful all-ages book.

#58 in my 2007 book challenge was Pretty Little Mistakes, by NPR’s Heather McElhatton. It’s a grown-up choose-your-own-adventure book. From the first page, the reader makes choices and follows each life story to one of 150 possible conclusions–homeless person, successful doctor, meth addict, and volcano researcher are just a few. My favorite ending involved a child with Down syndrome. That segment was lovely to read, but also interesting to consider in light of the choices that led there. Though a lark at first, the book is an exploration of free will vs. fate, with myriad imagined deities and afterlives (or lack thereof) thrown in for good measure. Not for those who want a complex main character and a linear plot, but entertaining and even at times provocative.

#57 in my 2007 Book Challenge was Mary Gaitskill’s Because They Wanted To, which has sat on my bookshelf in four different abodes over nearly ten years. I should have read this book when I bought it; it would have meant more to me then. Gaitskill’s stories are skillfully crafted and full of painstaking and painful emotional truths, many of which cut so deep I had to set down the book. But they are stories of young women, crashing bullishly through often brutal relationships. Frequently bruised literally and figuratively, though never entirely broken, Gaitskill’s girls are tough to take. Gaitskill’s honesty about the ugliness that underlies so much of sexual relationships is astonishing in its insight and clarity. Ultimately, though, I wanted to shake these girls and tell them to get on with it, to use their obvious talents and move toward maturity, rather than continuing to muck about in their own emotional detritus. Some books I read and appreciate more now that I’m older, married, and a mother. This, I would have appreciated more then, when such things were more relevant. Now, they just feel distant and somewhat poignant, which hardly does justice to the potential power of these stories.

A disturbing recollection: before the book was published, a male friend, with whom I often discussed books, gave me a photocopy of the story “The Girl on the Plane” and said he’d thought it good. Re-reading this story, about a man who confesses to participating in a gang rape of a friend of his, I am bewildered that I did not take offense at this at the time. WTF?